


Just to Waste My Time with You

by kalopsia (girltalk)



Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Pining, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-24
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-03-08 20:01:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3221603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girltalk/pseuds/kalopsia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Junhwe has a rule where he doesn't deal with anything that makes his life harder than it has to be. Jinhwan is, to no surprise, the exception.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just to Waste My Time with You

**Author's Note:**

> also on lj [here!](http://kalopsia.livejournal.com/8122.html)

Junhwe mistakenly believed that over time the brutal practice sessions would become easier. They have in a way -- he’s definitely a lot more used to them now -- but as they get closer to the idea of debuting, the mental burden ends up usurping the already strenuous physical one. Resulting in an overall experience that he’s pretty sure would have crushed him had he been forced to undergo it when he first joined the company.

They’re going through their showcase routine for the twenty seventh time this afternoon, and the better they get, the _more_ unsatisfied Hanbin becomes at their progress. It gets to the point where Jinhwan has to force Hanbin to call a break, under the guise of worrying about the group’s stamina, when really it’s for the sake of Hanbin’s sanity. Junhwe is thankful, even though the breakdown of Hanbin’s psyche has always fascinated him a little bit.

“Go get some food,” Jinhwan suggests, ruffling Hanbin’s hair before pushing him towards the door. No one else has to be told twice, dragging themselves up one by one.

Bobby pauses when he notices Jinhwan taking a seat on the bench, gulping down a bottle of water. “Aren’t you coming Hyung?”

Jinhwan shakes his head. “No, I’m not hungry. Just get me some strawberry ice cream when you come back.”

Junhwe on the other hand, is hungry. He’s always hungry. But, although he would have scoffed (still would scoff, actually) had someone told him this a few months ago: there are some things in life that are more valuable than food, if only by a small margin.

“I’m not hungry either,” Junhwe announces, settling himself down on the floor, back against the mirror. “Just bring me back a snack.”

“ _You’re_ not hungry? Really?” Donghyuk says, smacking him with a towel when he walks past. Jinhwan looks at him sceptically from the other side of the room too.

“Fine, I’m hungry. I just don’t want to move. Get me something filling.”

“Of course,” Donghyuk mutters, shaking his head at Junhwe before closing the door.

Once everyone leaves the practice room, it’s like a live wire is running through his veins, all the enervation from practice turning into electricity and he can feel the buzzing underneath his skin. Jinhwan isn’t looking at him, playing with the label of his water bottle, but Junhwe can see the amused smile quirking it’s way through. He doesn’t try to play it cool, knowing it’s a lost cause, and hastens to make his way over to where Jinhwan was sitting on the bench.

He leans forward, but Jinhwan puts up a hand between them because he's horrible. "Junhwe, that wasn't an invitation". He tries to sound stern but Junhwe can tell he's about a second from laughing.

Junhwe kisses his hand and feels embarrassed almost immediately afterwards. Jinhwan snorts. "Why would I need an invitation? I’m hosting this party."

"Then where’s my invitation?" Jinhwan teases. His hands which were pushing Junhwe away by the shoulders, are now curled into the collar of his jacket. Junhwe knows he's won.

"I'm giving you one." Junhwe mumbles, before he has Jinhwan pressed down on the bench. He can't believe it's come to this. His day is basically made by rushed make out sessions when no one else is around, and occasionally playing footsie underneath the table. It’s _vile_ , but Jinhwan lips are soft and his mouth pliant, which doesn’t give Junhwe time to think of all the values he’s turned his back on.

"Jinhwan Hyung they don't have any Strawberry, do you want Vanilla instead!"

Jinhwan pushes Junhwe off himself with an unprecedented amount of strength for such a tiny person. Junhwe ends up hitting the back of his head against the hard wooden floors, and he's going to fucking _kill_ Chanwoo the next chance he gets.

"It's fine, don't get me anything. I've lost my appetite." Jinhwan says, face pale and fingers crossed underneath the bench.

Chanwoo seems to have finally noticed their compromising position, eyes darting between Jinhwan and Junhwe before settling into a confused stare.

"What were you guys doing?"

"We were trying out some new acrobatics moves until you came in and ruined everything." Junhwe bites. Jinhwan kicks him.

"Sorry..." Chanwoo says hesitantly, walking backwards towards the door. "Hyung, are you sure you don't want anything anymore?"

Jinhwan nods. "Yeah. Incredibly sure. Actually don’t worry, I might head over there myself."

"Okay..." Chanwoo gives them one last look before leaving.

Once Junhwe hears the click of the door, he lifts himself off the ground and settles himself above Jinhwan again. His plan of action however, is thwarted when Jinhwan slides out from underneath him and grabs his practice bag, zipping it shut.

"What? Hyung, why?" Junhwe whines, falling back on the bench dramatically.

Jinhwan pulls the straps of his bag over his shoulder. "We shouldn't have been doing anything in the first place." He leans over Junhwe and uses the advantageous height to push Junhwe’s sweaty bangs away from his eyes.

Junhwe wants to grab Jinhwan's hand and pull him down on top of him. However, he's more or less learnt how to manoeuvre situations like this, and knows right now Jinhwan is akin to a startled deer. One wrong move and he'll flee.

"Hey," Jinhwan says quietly, halting his ministrations on Junhwe's hair. "Don't make this harder than it already is."

Junhwe opens one eye and looks at the soft smile on Jinhwan's face. "You are so manipulative. Fine. Go," he grumbles, turning over so he's facing the wall.

Jinhwan hums from behind him. "Come on, let's walk to the store together."

"No," Junhwe replies. "I need to recuperate, I have to get over the rejection."

 

 

Junhwe’s been rejected before. Plenty of times, actually.

The first time had been in front of a camera, unstated, but obvious in the dismissive handwave he received from the casting director. He's become pretty apt at handling that kind of rejection. It's devastating and unnerving every time, but he just keeps working harder and trying again and again until the cycle stops.

The first time he's rejected personally, he takes it like any spoilt and overly loved 13 year old boy does. That is, not very well. He spends an entire week sulking, stealing Misoo's lunch, and giving her the cold shoulder, until she finally has enough and punches him in the face for being a dickhead. His nose takes less time to heal than his pride, but there was a lesson learnt there somewhere.

When Jinhwan rejects him he doesn't know if he takes it better or worse than he would have at 13. He certainly feels a lot worse, but at least he isn't going around telling everyone Jinhwan had cooties.

The casting director didn't really care about Junhwe one way or another, Misoo laughed at his face, but Jinhwan looks like saying "Junhwe-yah, I can't. I'm sorry." is the hardest thing he'd had to utter in his 20 years of existence -- which, seriously? It can't be easy rejecting a friend, but Jinhwan could really use some perspective.

Junhwe hadn’t even articulately confessed or anything. He had blurted it out, spur of the moment, his judgement impaired by the long flight and impending jet lag. They’d both gone to buy some snacks before they had to be ushered into the van, Jinhwan had leant against Junhwe’s back to check out the brand of pocky he was going to buy, and Junhwe just vomited his feelings all over him. No warning. He turned his head, saw Jinhwan’s sleepy smile pressed against his shoulder blade, and went: “I really _really_ like you.”

Jinhwan hadn’t even pretended to not know the weight of Junhwe’s words or what they meant. It’s not like Jinhwan could dismiss it with a _’Hey, I like you too bro!’_ convincingly. Junhwe wasn’t Bobby, randomly blurting out declarations of love whenever he felt like it. Sometimes Junhwe had a hard time admitting he wasn’t displeased.

Anyway, Jinhwan rejected him, and they had both bought their respective snacks awkwardly while not talking to each other. Needless to say, the van ride home wasn’t fun for either of them.

 

 

At the core of it, there’s no real personal malice whenever Donghyuk and Junhwe butt heads. Arguments with Donghyuk are always the result of one of them being in a sour mood, and never vice verca. Most of the time they end up solving themselves since Donghyuk is too nice and Junhwe too lazy to hold an empty grudge. However, whenever Hanbin or Jinhwan manage to get a whiff of an argument within the band, they force the guilty parties into a mediation session as a pre-emptive measure _in case_ it happens to be worse than it looks (it’s more Jinhwan’s idea than Hanbin’s, to be honest). Unfortunately, Hanbin happened to be outside the bathroom this morning when Junhwe was reaming into Donghyuk for clogging the shower drain, and so now they’re separated. Donghyuk going for a walk with Hanbin around the apartment complex, and Junhwe inside the van with Jinhwan.

It’s unfair mostly because Hanbin is only second to Junhwe in regards to his inability to tolerate honest communication, and so he almost always spends the entire time making casual conversation and laughing. Jinhwan on the other hand, makes you talk and reflect and all that other stuff Junhwe hates having to dwell on. Every bit of Junhwe is screaming at him to either run or roll his eyes. The whiny, high pitched _”What?”_ he lets out instead is a product of much resilience, Junhwe will have you know.

"The battles over, you can stop being so tense all the time," Jinhwan says.

“Not that I’m not already super chill, but what does that have to do with anything? Will me being less,” Junhwe does a small shoulder shimmy “tense make Donghyuk stop shedding so much hair?”

"It'll definitely make you care a lot less." Jinhwan moves a little bit closer into Junhwe's space, leaning forward so his body is turned towards him. "Plus you're a lot more like yourself when you're less." He grins at Junhwe, and copies his shoulder shimmy. Except suddenly it's a lot less sardonic and at least fifty times cuter. "Tense."

Junhwe is a goner.

He clears his throat. "I have a few ideas that'll help me uh… lose some... tension."

Jinhwan cocks his head to the side. "Oh? Make a list, I'll pass it on to Hanbin and maybe we can do it as a group."

If Junhwe ever regrets dropping out of high school, it’s now. There was probably a wealth of valuable experience to be earned which would have made this situation a lot less humiliating. Or at the very least he’d have filled his embarrassment quota in a matter of years instead of having it rationed throughout his life during critical moments.

"Um," Junhwe tries, "I don't think my suggestions would be appropriate for..." He trails off when he notices Jinhwan's lips thinning and trembling. "Ha ha ha," Junhwe deadpans, dropping his head onto the seat in front of him. "Shut up!" he groans, ears burning at the sound of Jinhwan’s laughter.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I really appreciate the effort!” He doesn't move when Jinhwan nudges his shoulder. "Junhwe-yah!"

Once Junhwe's face returns to it's normal pigmentation and he’s relatively sure he can look at Jinhwan without wanting to jump out a window, he turns his head. Jinhwan is eye level with him, head resting on the adjacent seat, a fond smile decorating his face.

“Hi,” Junhwe says. His throat clicks when he swallows. “I’ll uh. I’ll apologise to Donghyuk later.”

Jinhwan raises an eyebrow. “Good,” he says, “that’s good.”

Neither of them speak for what seems like an eternity in Junhwe's head, like it's some kind of test. He's beginning to feel agitated, fingers twisting around each other in his lap, and he stares at the mole on Jinhwan's cheek to calm himself down. His tactic fails stupendously when Jinhwan's tongue peeks out to wet his lips.

He doesn't recall moving forward but he must have, because Jinhwan flinches away. He's also sure he must make a pathetic sight, because Jinhwan frowns apologetically at him and lifts a hand up to run his thumb over Junhwe's lips as some kind of consolation.

"Sorry," Jinhwan says. He let's his hand drop and Junhwe misses the texture and weight of it. "No."

It's pretty pointless to ask why because it never changes anything or gives Junhwe any new knowledge to prevent future incidents of sexual frustration from occurring. But he asks anyway.

Jinhwan holds up three fingers. "Because, three." He folds one finger. "Two." He folds another finger. "One." He folds the last finger and the van door is pulled open, startling Junhwe out of the strange Jinhwan induced daze he had fallen in -- which happens more often than he’s comfortable admitting.

Hanbin pokes his head in, followed by Donghyuk, Junhwe wants to slam the door on both their-- alright no, that's a bit extreme. But it let it be known he isn't feeling particularly favourable towards either of them right now.

“Did you get it all out Junhwe?” Hanbin asks. Junhwe nods, and Hanbin pushes Donghyuk into the van.

Donghyuk mouths a sorry to Junhwe, who accepts it easily and shrugs. He’s never actually _that_ angry at Donghyuk. But Donghyuk is the only other person in the band aside from Jinhwan who’s good natured enough to understand, more or less, that Junhwe doesn’t mean most of what he says or does. Which makes him a victim of misdirected anger more often than not. It’s like God made Junhwe, saw how emotionally stunted he was, and said _”let there be Donghyuk”_ , then decided to console Junhwe by saying _”let there be Jinhwan”_ , but then changed his mind at the last minute and decided Junhwe’s life wasn’t hard enough and went _”let there be Hanbin and Bobby and YG.”_. Yeah, that sounds about right.

He’s lost in his thoughts, so when Jinhwan climbs over him, he instinctively grabs his waist to pull him down. He only realises what he’s done because Jinhwan pinches the skin of his neck, causing him to jolt in his seat and Jinhwan’s head to hit the top of the van. Donghyuk laughs, and Hanbin looks more entertained by Junhwe’s antics than suspicious -- probably because he empathises with the need to manhandle Jinhwan. But when Junhwe looks up at Jinhwan, his mouth is small and thin. Jinhwan hasn’t ever looked at Junhwe with anything like resentment before, and even though this is still far off, it’s the closest it’s been.

Junhwe let’s go of Jinhwan immediately, suddenly feeling like his insides were sagging. Jinhwan scrambles off him and jumps out of the van next to Hanbin, who absently wraps an arm around his shoulders.

“We’re just going to go get some food, the other three should be coming in a minute. Stay good, alright?” Hanbin says.

“Yes Hyung,” Donghyuk replies. He prods Junhwe, who for some reason feels too guilty to even talk, and adds, “Junhwe too.”

When the seven of them are all finally tucked into the van, Jinhwan reaches out to quickly press a hand against Junhwe’s neck, before doing exactly the same thing to Donghyuk. Donghyuk preens, but Junhwe knows it was intended to be some sort of comfort for him alone. The small gesture of affection does nothing to alleviate the pang in Junhwe’s chest, and he spends the rest of the ride mulling over it while Jinhwan talks to Hanbin less than half a metre away. Bobby notices Junhwe’s silence and tries to draw him into whatever fruitless conversation he was having with Yunhyeong, Chanwoo, and Donghyuk, but Junhwe can barely contribute one mean sentence before the need to mope becomes too overwhelming.

They practice for around three hours, before Bobby tells Hanbin to give them a break, and they’re given fifteen minutes to recuperate. Exhaustion is surprisingly effective at shaking Junhwe out of any bouts of negativity he’s currently in, so he forgets that he’s meant to be embarrassed, guilty, or _something_ towards Jinhwan, and follows him unthinkingly when the latter suggests they get some air together.

Jinhwan leads him into a dark hallway near some empty practice rooms instead.

“Hey, Junhwe, I’m sorry,” Jinhwan says.

Not surprisingly, Junhwe doesn’t feel better. “Alright,” he says apathetically.

Jinhwan moves forward, pressing himself against Junhwe, and stands on his tip-toes to kiss him on the mouth. It shouldn’t, but Junhwe is still ultimately an extremely weak willed teenager, so it does a shamefully good job of lifting his spirits. Jinhwan tugs on Junhwe's lower lip with his teeth when he finally moves back, and it’s so _unfair_ , he could end wars with that technique.

“Better?” Jinhwan asks knowingly.

“No,” Junhwe lies. Jinhwan sees right through it and squeezes Junhwe’s hands where they’d gone to wrap around Jinhwan’s waist of their own accord.

“Just, don’t you remember what I said about being careful?” Jinhwan says when they’re slowly making their way back to the practice room, hands brushing against each other with every step. “I was being serious. Even if it isn’t technically anything, it’s not something anyone needs to find out about. It’s unfair to everyone else, they’re all working so hard and even though they don’t act like it, I know they’re even more wired up than they were during Mix and Match. Just try and be a little more attentive for the group? For me?”

It’s nothing Junhwe hasn’t heard before or already knows himself, but maybe because it’s a pretty shitty day to start with, this time it manages to get under his skin a little bit. He sucks it down though, and complies. “Yeah, sorry. I just slipped up.”

It’s a feeble answer to his own ears, but it pacifies Jinhwan somewhat, and the rest of the day goes by normally. There’s still something at the back of his mind though, a niggling weight he can’t get rid off or identify. But he figures he’d rather be fighting silent battles with himself than with Jinhwan.

 

 

Junhwe should have seen this coming, especially since he’s noticed Yunhyeong acting strange the entire week. Okay, _he_ didn’t notice, but Jinhwan had told him _”Hey, do you notice Yunhyeong acting strange?”_ when they were making out in the bathroom while everyone else was asleep (Junhwe isn’t proud. He really isn’t), and since then he’d kept an eye out. It wasn’t anything obvious, except Junhwe catches Yunhyeong staring at him conflictingly a few times too many, and whenever they’re alone together it almost seems like he’s nervous. As far as Junhwe can tell, Yunhyeong is still acting normally towards everyone else, except for possibly Jinhwan.

In retrospect, yeah he definitely should have seen this coming.

Donghyuk and Chanwoo are in their rooms, Bobby, Hanbin and Jinhwan were out being repulsive or something -- Junhwe doesn’t really care -- when Yunhyeong sits next to him on the couch. Junhwe doesn’t look up from his iPad, murmuring a “Hey Hyung” while scrolling through the screen. Inwardly, he sort of hopes Yunhyeong hasn’t decided to finally tell Junhwe his problem, because he’s really not well equipped to deal with that sort of thing. Then again, Yunhyeong knows him well enough to know it’s easier to bypass Junhwe altogether and go straight for literally anyone else in regards to those types of topics.

“So…” Yunhyeong coughs, and Junhwe tenses. Was this another hidden camera? He puts his iPad down and sits up to reach for Yunhyeong’s shirt. He tugs at it and feels around for a microphone.

Yunhyeong pushes him back down, batting his hands away. “No, it’s not a hidden camera!” he assures. He coughs again and Junhwe narrows his eyes. “I promise. I just, well…”

Junhwe sits up straight, back against the armrest, arms folded against his chest. “What? What is it.”

“So last week during practice, I uh…”

“ _You…_ ”

“I just needed some time alone to think, and so I wandered off for a walk...” Yunhyeong looks like someone was stabbing the words out of him. Junhwe is getting worried. It sounds like this could be potentially emotional.

“Hey uh, look maybe you should wait until one of the Hyungs come--”

“I saw you kissing Jinhwan Hyung!”

Junhwe almost falls off his seat. He quickly looks around to make sure they were still alone in the living room, and for extra measure calls out “Donghyuk! Chanwoo!”. He’s holding Yunhyeong tightly by the wrist when the two eventually shuffle out of their rooms.

“What? What happened?” Donghyuk asks, annoyed.

Confident that neither of them had heard anything, he dismisses them with “Nothing. Go away,” before pulling Yunhyeong off the couch and into his room. He slams the door shut, and knocks his head against it.

“Junhwe it really isn’t that big of a deal,” Yunhyeong says, patting his shoulder. “It’s just that well, I’m pretty confident it isn’t common knowledge. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay?”

Junhwe turns so that his back is pressed against the door. Even though technically he’s the one who’d dragged Yunhyeong in here against his own will, it feels like he’s been cornered. He convinces himself the situation was salvageable. After all, Yunhyeong had only seen them kissing right? Kissing is _nothing_. He’s pretty sure if Jinhwan allowed it, Bobby and Hanbin would be showering him with platonic kisses any chance they got. He wouldn’t be surprised if they weren’t doing it privately anyway -- Junhwe ends the train of thought there, since that way lies too many sullen musings to sift through. He has more pressing issues at hand. All he has to do is play it off like nothing. A feat which would have probably been easier had he not panicked earlier, but whatever, this is hardly the most difficult task Junhwe’s faced in his life.

“Why wouldn’t everything be okay?” he asks. That was definitely not the easy dismissal he had planned in his head.

Yunhyeong takes a seat on the swivel chair, stomach against the backrest, and rests his chin on his arms. “I don’t know, it’s just a complicated situation to be in. Especially since I’m presuming I’m correct in saying you haven’t told anyone?” Junhwe doesn’t reply, Yunhyeong takes it as an affirmative. “A relationship is tough work, especially when you don’t have anyone to lean on.”

Junhwe cringes, it feels like caterpillars are crawling up his skin. Yunhyeong notices and grins, similar to how Jinhwan purposefully says things like _”it was not my lips you kissed, but my soul”_ when they’re fooling around just to see Junhwe squirm. It’s always the nicest people who are the most evil.

“You have your Jinhwan face on,” Yunhyeong sings, kicking his legs.

“What? No I don’t.”

“So you acknowledge that you do, in fact, have a Jinhwan face?”

This definitely isn’t going the way Junhwe hoped it would. He tries to steer the conversation back to the right direction. “We’re not in a relationship,” he says bluntly. It takes a few seconds to realise he’s being completely honest which, heh, isn’t that convenient.

It looks like Yunhyeong actually _deflates_. “Why not?” he says.

Junhwe stalls before saying: “Dating ban”. Even the words taste bitter and artificial on his tongue. He doesn’t add in Jinhwan’s worries about them betraying their bandmates trust, losing their faith, and disappointing them, because honestly?

“I don’t know,” Junhwe sighs, flopping down onto the bed and feeling his muscles sink into the mattress. He closes his eyes. He’s tired, exhausted. Didn’t even realise how taxed he was until now.

Yunhyeong scoots closer to him, stopping when the chair hits the edge of the bed. “This is exactly why I was worried,” he says. Junhwe takes note of how decidedly not betrayed and disappointed he sounds. “Come on, tell me everything.”

Junhwe doesn’t tell him everything. Doesn’t even tell him half of it. But he tells him more than he means to, and definitely a lot more than Jinhwan would want him to. He can acknowledge now that he royally screwed over any chance of denial when he almost ripped Yunhyeong’s arm off, but he still feels kind of guilty, like he’d broken a promise to Jinhwan. Even if the guilt is muted by the sheer amount of _everything_ he didn’t know he was feeling until now.

Honestly, Junhwe doesn’t even think Jinhwan buys the dating ban excuse as much as he thinks he does -- otherwise he wouldn’t have started the vague ‘nothing’ they were currently doing. However, Jinhwan is pretty convinced that if any of the other members found out they’d kick them both out of the band, and that’s what Junhwe can’t understand. He doesn’t underestimate the fact not all of them will be as easily accepting of it as Yunhyeong, but ultimately he can’t really see it being a big deal. Heck, if it was left up to Junhwe he’d have just told all of them on the first day and then tell them to get the fuck over it. Ironically, when Jinhwan first told him “no” he had been heartbroken -- Junhwe didn’t think he was even _capable_ of so much wallowing -- but he’s beginning to wonder if he’d prefer a straight up rebuff, over this wishy washy not-relationship they were currently in.

“Have you told Jinhwan this?” Yunhyeong asks. He’d listened to Junhwe patiently, not interrupting once even when it was obvious he really wanted to.

“No,” Junhwe says, pushing the pillow into his face. “And before you ask, I don’t plan to.”

Yunhyeong looks like he’s about to provide insight that Junhwe doesn’t want to hear, so he cuts him off. “And no matter what you say, I won’t change my mind.”

Junhwe can hear the front door opening, Bobby and Hanbin’s voices announcing their return like they’d just come back from conquering some foreign land instead of just literally down the street to eat convenience store ramen. Yunhyeong sighs and lifts himself off the chair before patting Junhwe on the back.

“If you need to talk, I’m here.”

Junhwe hums before abruptly lifting his head off the bed and waving Yunhyeong back with a flourish of his arm. “Wait! This should be obvious, but don’t tell Jinhwan Hyung.”

Yunhyeong nods, “Yeah, of course.”

“Tell Jinhwan Hyung what?” The voice is playful and easy, but it’s like ice shoots up Junhwe’s spine and he does a silent prayer when he slowly turns his head towards the door.

Bobby stands at the doorway, leaning against it casually and quirking an eyebrow at Yunhyeong and Junhwe. Probably expecting them to say they spilt chocolate on Jinhwan’s pyjamas or something. Under his left arm is Jinhwan, whose eyes switch between focusing on Junhwe lying on the bed, and Yunhyeong frozen in front of him, and Junhwe braces himself. When the penny finally drops Jinhwan widens his eyes at Yunhyeong and Junhwe can see the blood drain from his face.

Junhwe is fucked.

 

 

Junhwe, all things considered, is actually doing pretty okay. He has -- what Donghyuk calls a character flaw but Junhwe recognises as a survival mechanism -- a tendency to internalise his feelings. So nobody ever knows what's going on in Junhwe's head at any particular moment, which is a damn shame because no one else can appreciate how well Junhwe is holding himself up. Donghyuk griped at him when Junhwe cut in front of him in the line at the Café they were currently at, when he really should have been holding Junhwe in esteem for managing to compartmentalise his feelings so well. Because even though no one knows, it's been about a week and a half since Jinhwan had turned Junhwe away and crushed him and wounded his feelings and ripped his heart right out of his chest and--

He's fine, really. At the very least, he doesn't blame Jinhwan for not liking him back. Even though his flight or fight instincts blair everytime Jinhwan comes in close vicinity of him, he hasn’t ignored him since the first day. Jinhwan initially looked surprised when Junhwe had ran ahead of the group to stroll next to him on their way to the YG building, but his expression of alarm had quickly morphed into one of quiet relief and he'd begun chatting about their new routine while Junhwe nodded along, nails digging into his palm. Jinhwan had even given Junhwe a gift card as some kind of peace offering, which Junhwe then used on the terrible coffee he was currently drinking. Junhwe purses his mouth and swirls the drink around in his cup -- it was way too sweet. Why did Junhwe order this? It's fucking terrible.

"Is that Hazelnut?" Jinhwan asks, plopping himself down on the seat next to Junhwe. He inhales, closing his eyes and sighing. "It is. My favourite. Can I have some?"

Junhwe looks down at his cup, disgusted at himself first and foremost, and the coffee a close second. He slides the cup towards Jinhwan. "Have all of it. Not a fan of the taste."

Jinhwan flashes Junhwe a bemused look, but accepts the coffee without question. He takes a sip and makes a pleased sound. Junhwe looks away, picking up a packet of sugar from the table and ripping it to shreds.

“She left her number,” Jinhwan says.

“What?” Junhwe spares a glance at the cardboard coffee cup in Jinhwan’s hand, and he sees the messy numbers scrawled near the bottom. He looks over at the girl at the counter, who was currently serving Bobby and trying her best to look patient -- Junhwe knows that feeling all too well. She’s pretty too, probably Junhwe’s type if he had one.

“We have a dating ban,” Jinhwan reminds him. More sternly than necessary. Junhwe _knows_ they have a dating ban. He’s been nothing but obedient when it comes to following company orders. Even when they decided to put him through _two_ survival shows, add in _three_ new trainees, and make Junhwe jump through hoops to score a place in a group he felt like he was already a part of.

“I know that,” Junhwe says, sounding as annoyed as he feels. Jinhwan probably picks up on the shift of mood, because his next words are designed to be placating.

“I know you do. It’s just that she’s really pretty, and it’s easy to do things spur of the moment.” Jinhwan takes a long sip from his coffee.

It’s only once they’re all outside, walking back towards the YG building, that it clicks in Junhwe’s head, and he grabs Jinhwan by his jacket to make him slow down while the rest stride ahead.

“That was different,” Junhwe blurts out. Jinhwan is confused.

“Huh?”

“When I told you last week…” Junhwe has trouble getting the words out, it’s like someone filled his mouth with chalk. Realisation seems to have also dawned on Jinhwan, who now looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. Junhwe should really do both of them a favour and stop talking. “That was. It was different,” he finishes lamely.

He’s hopeful that Jinhwan too will just drop it. Of course, Junhwe hoping very rarely turns out well.

“How was it different?” Jinhwan demands. He’s incredibly good at masking how he’s feeling, and his stance is relaxed and easy, which means he’s prepared to patiently engage in this conversation no matter how long it takes. It also means there’s no way Junhwe can rely on Jinwhan’s mercy and awkward himself out of it like he usually does.

“Well for one, you aren’t some random barista I’ve never talked to before.”

“And if I _was_?”

“If you were… I would give you a really good tip?” Jinhwan is beginning to look annoyed, so Junhwe amends and says: “Do you mean would I still…”

“Yes Junhwe, that’s what I mean.”

“Then no, I guess. Since I wouldn’t really know you. Unless, is this an alternate universe? Would I still be a trainee? Are any of us still trainees? I’d probably be in school. Would you even be in Seoul in that case? Why would you move all the way to Seoul just to be a barista when your mum owns a Café--”

Jinhwan sighs loudly, cutting Junhwe off for the good of humanity. “Forget it,” he says.

“These are legitimate questions! You can’t--”

Junhwe’s been dreaming about kissing Jinhwan for _years_. In real life it’s both a lot better and a lot worse. A lot better because Jinhwan as a real, tangible being, is always better than dream Jinhwan. Junhwe can actually hold him in his arms, has to bend Jinhwan’s neck backwards to deepen the kiss, can bury his head in Jinhwan’s shoulder when it becomes overwhelming. A lot worse because he doesn’t get to do _any_ of those things because Jinhwan pulls away so fast, that if he were anyone else, Junhwe wouldn’t even have registered it happening.

Jinhwan looks towards where the other five members were still walking ahead of them obliviously, and relaxes somehwat. Junhwe’s head is still reeling which is why he doesn’t notice how high strung Jinhwan was until then, and also why he doesn’t have an opportunity to say anything before Jinhwan is off running to where Hanbin was at the front of the group.

 

 

Bobby, the loveable beefcake, had bought the harried excuse Yunhyeong had provided of Junhwe accidentally peeing on Jinhwan’s bed. Junhwe would have strangled Yunhyeong on the spot if he couldn’t feel Jinhwan’s eyes burn into the back of his head like laserbeams.

Despite Junhwe’s greatest -- possibly melodramatic -- fear being that Jinhwan would never talk to him again, he finds that the real issue is the fact Jinhwan keeps _trying_ to talk to him, but Junhwe doesn’t want to put himself through that pain. Jinhwan’s attempt to corner Junhwe are commendable, but all Junhwe has to do is make sure he always has a member near him. Jinhwan is then left to silently stew, looking at Junhwe like he really had, not only peed on his bed, but also his dog and entire family.

For the record, he had tried to talk to Jinhwan, but the first thing out of Jinhwan’s mouth was _”Listen, if you have a problem can you please talk to me first instead of acting like a kid and--”_. Which was more than enough information to go off for Junhwe to know he _never_ wanted to have that conversation, and he had called out “Donghyuk!” before Jinhwan could really get into his tirade. Since then he’s been going around clinging to all of the members like he was playing a game of musical chairs. Donghyuk thinks this is Junhwe finally making an attempt to become more social, so really, everyone wins.

Junhwe however, had failed to consider one fine detail. That detail being, Jinhwan was a 22 year old adult who’d been in and out of relationships before, while Junhwe was a dumb 19 year old who dropped out of high school and whose first real relationship was with aforementioned experienced 22 year adult. Jinhwan knew the game, Junhwe didn’t stand a _chance_.

Four days go past without Jinhwan trying to accost him whenever he left the bathroom, and Junhwe is afraid to say he’s let his guard down. So he doesn’t realise the terrible mistake he’s made when he leaves practice to take a bathroom break alone, until he comes back and almost runs into Jinhwan as soon as he’s through the door. Before he can react, Jinhwan runs behind him and locks the door, smirking triumphantly.

Hypothetically, Junhwe could probably take on Jinhwan. He has over ten centimetres on him, a lot more body mass. Fighting his way out of the situation wasn’t implausible. Then he remembers that he isn’t in a playground argument, and if he’s going down, he should go down with his head held high. He is an _adult_ , he can have a civil conversation and come out the other side perfectly fine.

Jinhwan, from the way he’s constantly running his fingers through his hair, evidently isn’t taking the same approach to the situation. Junhwe should probably talk first, so he has the upper hand. He just needs to actually think of something to say. He didn’t exactly come into this with flash cards.

Jinhwan beats him to the punch and bites out: “ _This_ is precisely why I said no to you the first time.”

Junhwe doesn’t lose his patience at Jinhwan, ever. He also doesn’t like having his heart played like a yoyo either. “Technically Hyung, you never said yes the second time.”

“Let me finish,” Jinhwan grinds out. Junhwe wants to say something back, but Jinhwan didn’t rapidly become his favourite person without being afforded certain luxuries Junhwe doesn’t give others. “ _Why_ would you tell Yunhyeong? Right after I very specifically told you the members didn’t need to know.”

“I didn’t _tell_ Yunhyeong Hyung. He caught us in an… incriminating act… two weeks ago in the hallway. A position, may I add, you initiated.”

Jinhwan still looks frustrated, but his gaze becomes less accusatory, and he lets out a long exhale. He looks smaller than usual. Junhwe isn’t going to lie, the first time he realised he was attracted to Jinhwan was when he came back from a family holiday having undergone his biggest growth spurt yet. He’d crashed into Jinhwan on his first day back to the company, and Jinhwan looked so fucking _tiny_ clinging onto Junhwe’s arms, trying to stop himself from falling to the floor. So Junhwe has a size kink. Go figure.

“Okay, sorry,” Jinhwan’s shoulders slump, and he looks defeated. “It was my fault. Though at least all this unnecessary drama gave me time to reconsider things.”

It’s like someone just dumped a bucket of ice water over Junhwe’s head. “Reconsider _what_?”

Junhwe knows the look on Jinhwan’s face much too well. It’s guilt.

“The risks…” Jinhwan says slowly. As if somehow Junhwe was meant to go _”ah yes, the risks! Of course!”_ and understand everything. “At first, I thought the risks were too great, and I was putting way too much on the line to indulge a crush. Then I thought otherwise, that as long as I’m careful and don’t involve too many other people, it would be fine. Then I realised, that maybe I was right the first time?” He looks at Junhwe questioningly, like he was asking him to help solve this unfortunate predicament for him. Fuck that. Junhwe will tell it like it is.

“I don’t have a crush on you,” Junhwe says.

Junhwe’s brain is the worst.

That was definitely the wrong thing to say, because to Jinhwan it was clearly the _right_ thing to say. “I never said you did. You’re still young though, and you’re under an immense amount of pressure. Your emotions end up getting warped--”

“Where is this coming from? I don’t understand. You’re making some really grand assumptions about my feelings for someone who doesn’t know them.”

“I’m not making any assumptions about _your_ feelings,” Jinhwan retorts, “I was just giving you something to think about. I was mostly talking about mine.”

That hurts. More than Junhwe cares to admit or show. He could deal and understand Jinhwan’s hesitance in actually having a relationship because he prioritised the group over Junhwe. He could even take Jinhwan trivialising his feelings into some flimsy teenage crush if it helped him rationalise things for his own peace of mind. Needless to say, he could tolerate a whole fucking lot from Jinhwan, because most of the time it came from a good place. Jinhwan has so much responsibility on his shoulders, he never wants to let anyone down, so there’s bound to be cracks in his foundation.

This though. _Ouch_.

“Okay so the problem is you don’t like me, and the _pressure_ messed with your feelings and made you indulge a crush you wouldn’t have even entertained in any other situation. Is that right?”

Jinhwan looks alarmed. Junhwe doesn’t know why, he’s just repeating what he said back to him.

“That’s… you can’t phrase it like that.”

“Why not? I just put it in a nice, succinct sentence. So tell me, is that the problem?” If they weren’t fighting before, and it was just a misunderstanding, then they’re definitely fighting now. Junhwe is standing tall and firm, but inside all he wants is for Jinhwan to take it all back and deny it. However, if life has taught him anything, it’s that he never gets what he wants unless he sweats blood and tears for it.

“It’s not a _problem_ , it’s just something I’ve been--”

“You’re right, it doesn’t sound like a problem at all. Especially when the solution is so simple.” Junhwe pushes past Jinhwan to get to the door. Jinhwan doesn’t stop him when he unlocks it and storms out. He runs into Hanbin on the stairs, and murmurs some excuse about feeling dizzy and needing some rest. Junhwe _never_ misses practice, even when he’s running on two hours of sleep with a flu. Right now though, he doesn’t think his body can do anything except take him as far away from Jinhwan as possible. He must look distressed, because Hanbin pats his cheek and tells him to rest up, and asks if Jinhwan should walk him back to the dorm. That is literally the last thing Junhwe wants, so he shakes his head and bolts before Hanbin can interrogate him further.

Junhwe didn’t cry when Jinhwan rejected him that first time, and he doesn’t cry now. He wishes he could though, just cry all his frustration out so he’s drained and empty and doesn’t have to carry everything inside of him.

 

 

It doesn’t take a genius to deduce that even though he’d turned Junhwe down the first time, it’s highly likely Jinhwan probably does like him. It’s also apparent that he doesn’t plan to do anything about it. At least not in the near future.

Look, at first Junhwe exercised a great amount of self-control. It was obvious that even though Jinhwan wasn’t the leader, as the eldest and one of the three “original” members, he felt like he needed to act as an example to the rest of the group. Junhwe respected that, he knew being in a relationship or whatever with the second youngest member of the group wasn’t exactly exemplary.

Here’s the thing though, you honestly _cannot_ arm Junhwe with the knowledge that the object of his pining for the last 2 and a half years or so likes him back, and then expect him to not try and test it out. If Junhwe wasn’t a singer, he’d definitely be a disciple of the sciences. After all, it was in the name of science -- an ode to the human condition -- that on the third day after Jinhwan had kissed him, Junhwe had cornered Jinhwan in the bathroom and returned the favour by kissing the smudge of toothpaste off his lips. Jinhwan didn’t look _happy_ about it, but it didn’t look like it ruined his morning either.

Junhwe will concede every time after was probably just him being a selfish person. He kind of just pecks Jinhwan here and there when no one else is looking. He does it often enough that it becomes more of a bad habit rather than any sort of pre-meditated action. The first time Jinhwan actually says something -- instead of looking mildly affronted with a strong blush on his cheeks -- is when Junhwe kisses him goodnight outside of his bedroom door.

"We can't date," Jinhwan says resolutely.

Junhwe pretends to look around, on the ceiling, beneath his legs, behind his shoulder. "Who's dating?" he asks.

Jinhwan doesn't look very convinced.

"Look, it's nothing. You've _showered_ with Bobby and Hanbin before, are you dating them?" Junhwe pauses, contemplative. "Wait are you?"

Jinhwan gags, and looks like Junhwe just suggested a foursome with them. "No. Of course not."

"See!" Junhwe exclaims. "It's all about the intention behind it." Jinhwan looks dubious, but also like he's listening. It's Junhwe’s chance to strengthen his case. Either he goes hard or he goes home. "Can I have another kiss? The intention being to show my appreciation for your country boy aesthetic." He gestures knowingly towards Jinhwan's cow printed pyjamas.

Jinhwan levels Junhwe with a disbelieving stare, upper lip curled up, one eyebrow raised.

Well, it was worth a try. He's waiting for Jinhwan to turn back towards his room until suddenly he's being pulled down by the collar of his shirt and he can taste the mouthwash Jinhwan uses like it's his own.

Jinhwan moves back much too quickly, palms sliding down Junhwe's shirt to straighten it out. "Because you're endearing," he murmurs into Junhwe's collarbone before looking up.

Junhwe's mouth feels dry. Fingers numb where they were holding on to either side of the door frame. "Uh huh," he says dumbly.

Jinhwan smiles at him, fixes Junhwe's fringe before turning the knob behind him and walking back into his room. "Goodnight!" he calls out. The doors already closed behind him before Junhwe can finally verbalise a reply.

"Goodnight..."

The next morning Hanbin wakes _only_ Junhwe up at the crack of dawn ("Character building," Hanbin insists. "You look hilarious when you're tired." Bobby says from under his blankets) despite it being an off day. And Junhwe's grumpy, drowsy, and groggy when he's scavenging through the cupboards looking for something edible. He's about given up until he catches sight of a yellow box behind the large warehouse cartons of ramen.

Jinhwan is leaving the bathroom when Junhwe grabs his arm and yanks him into the hallway.

"What are you--"

Junhwe kisses him, sweetly, fiercely, before pulling back with a smirk on his face.

"Because you bought my favourite cereal."

Jinhwan looks like he's about to say something, but Hanbin yells at the masses to converge in the living room, and Donghyuk's loud footsteps and Bobby's even louder yelling are increasing in volume. Junhwe moves to put some space between him and Jinhwan, until the latter pulls him down by the nape and kisses the edge of his mouth.

Jinhwan blinks, like he’s trying to process his own actions, before his lips twist themselves into a playful smile. "Because you're cute when you're sleepy," he says, before slipping under Junhwe's arm to help Hanbin wake up the rest of the kids.

Bobby finds Junhwe standing in the middle of the hallway, forehead resting against the wall, five minutes later. He gives Junhwe a sleepy once over. "What's wrong with you?" he mumbles.

"Nothing." Junhwe presses his grin into his hands.

 

 

Feeling angry and hurt isn’t unfamiliar to Junhwe. Feeling angry and hurt towards Jinhwan however, is completely alien. The first morning he wakes up, tired, foggy headed, with just the vague feeling of disgruntlement in his gut to go off, he ends up completely snubbing Donghyuk -- much to the latter’s confusion -- before remembering who he was actually meant to be angry at.

Jinhwan doesn’t do anything to address it, which Junhwe takes to mean his feelings are definitely valid and it wasn’t just a misunderstanding. The only acknowledgement he gets is that Jinhwan, who was usually fairly good at dispersing his attention to all the members equally, now spends more time with Hanbin and Bobby than usual. Which is saying something. He’s left Donghyuk, Yunhyeong, and Chanwoo to Junhwe (even though, why would Junhwe _ask_ for Chanwoo), like they’re dividing assets in a divorce.

Hanbin, who’d been thankfully oblivious when Jinhwan and Junhwe started canoodling and spending most of their time together, notices when they completely freeze each other off.

Naturally, Hanbin blames Junhwe for it. “What did you do?” he asks over breakfast one day.

Junhwe isn’t in the mood. “What are you talking about?” he replies, trying to inject as much disinterest as he can into his voice so Hanbin gets a hint.

“Why aren’t you trailing after Jinhwan like a lost kid?”

Since Junhwe, on paper, doesn’t like Jinhwan at all anymore, he figures it’s okay if he tells Hanbin the entire story. It’s not like his relationship with Jinhwan could get any worse when it currently doesn’t exist. He’s about to spill the beans until he catches sight of Jinhwan from the corner of his eye. Laughing with Yunhyeong in front of the bathroom, still in his pyjamas, blinking sleepily

It’s cruel that, even though he’s always been aware that he’s liked Jinhwan a whole fucking lot for a fucking long time, he could never really bring himself to think about how _much_ he liked him while they were actually together-ish. Now that everything’s gone sour between them, Junhwe is suddenly comfortable admitting to himself that yes, he probably was in love with Jinhwan. The k-drama, cheesy pop song, shoujo manga, dumb 19 year old boy kind of love that makes his toes curl. Probably still is. Or he’s relatively confident he is. Who knows, his emotions might have been warped from the pressure or whatever Jinhwan’s shitty hypothesis was.

“No reason,” Junhwe mumbles, letting his spoon clatter inside his cereal bowl. “Hey, I’m going to head to practice early, okay?”

Hanbin looks up at him, concerned. But Junhwe knows Hanbin isn’t going to push him, and he’s grateful.

“Sure,” Hanbin says, “take your phone. We’ll all be there in an hour.”

Junhwe packs his practice bag and he just happens to walk past Jinhwan on the way to the door. He ignores him and goes straight to struggling into his shoes.

“Where are you going?”

Jinhwan says it casually, genuinely curious. But it still surprises Junhwe.

“Practice,” he answers blandly. He does a few jumps in his sneakers before tying the laces.

If Jinhwan planned to go anywhere with that attempt at conversation, he fails miserably. Junhwe purposefully takes longer than usual tying his shoelaces, yet by the time he’s out the door and in the elevator, Jinhwan hadn’t said anything, or chased after him. Unless of course, he was just genuinely wondering where Junhwe was leaving for at 6am in the morning. Now that Junhwe knows that Jinhwan was non-dating him out of pity, who knows how much of the relationship was actually there, and what was just him projecting.

 

 

There’s something Junhwe has noticed, something he’s sure Jinhwan has noticed, but not something he’s sure Jinhwan has noticed him noticing.

Jinhwan is _always_ paranoid that someone is going to stumble in on them and figure out their dirty little secret. Sometimes, Junhwe can’t predict when, Jinhwan feels braver and he’ll pull Junhwe away from where the group was gathered and into an isolated corner, where he would kiss the daylights out of him like he was quenching his thirst for the week. For the most part though, it’s always Junhwe initiating it, the success of which depends on how anxious Jinhwan is or isn’t at that particular moment.

Which leads into the thing Junhwe’s been noticing. He doesn’t want to make any unfounded assumptions, but Jinhwan’s levels of anxiety and paranoia are, at the very least, strongly correlated to whatever member is most likely to run into them at any time. For example, if it’s Yunhyeong or Bobby sitting at the table with them, Jinhwan has no problem sliding a foot up Junhwe’s leg just to see him flail and embarrass himself. Also has no problem making up some excuse about throwing the trash out together with Junhwe. Also has no problem letting Junhwe push him against the wall once they’re in the elevator and opening his mouth to--

 _Anyway_.

If it’s Donghyuk or Chanwoo nearby, Jinhwan isn’t nearly as reckless. However, once they’re both out of sight, he yields easily to Junhwe’s advances, and it only takes a few minutes before he starts to kiss back with equal or possibly more fervour.

Regardless, whenever they’re almost caught by any of the previously mentioned four members, Jinhwan’s panic turns him into a stone cold statue. Junhwe knows not to push him, and Jinhwan is more than able to regain his own composure. He doesn’t let Junhwe make any moves on him for the rest of the day, but he still offers him gentle and subtle affection throughout in order to compensate. Junhwe can live with that, sometimes he likes it more than the kissing.

Here’s the clincher though. If Hanbin is somewhere close-at-hand -- and Jinhwan can always tell if he is through some weird sixth sense -- then there’s a four centimetre distance between Jinhwan and Junhwe at all times. Even things Jinhwan would do freely before, like sling an arm around Junhwe while they were sitting, or lean into his space when they were talking, was suddenly too much of a clue for him to risk.

Junhwe isn’t a jealous person. Not anymore than most people, anyway. He gets that Jinhwan, Hanbin, and Bobby were like the Three Musketeers. The Three Little Pigs. YG’s Angels. Whatever. It’s not something he wants to broach, and he’s more than fine giving Jinhwan that space. Sure, sometimes he feels a bit possessive whenever Bobby announces that he loves Jinhwan the most. And it does bother him when Hanbin wraps his arms around Jinhwan’s waist and rests his head on his shoulders like it’s a reflex -- largely because Junhwe could _never_ do that in public without Jinhwan having a stroke.

So it isn’t really _jealousy_ he feels. It’s more like… unimportance. Which frankly, sucks twice as much. Junhwe doesn’t _like_ feeling unimportant, especially when he works so hard to to be indispensable.

He’s not the type to make his worries other people’s problem, especially when they’re as petty as this. So he brings it up in the most ambiguous way he knows how, and hopes Jinhwan picks up on it like he usually does. Hanbin is pulling one of his overnighters at the studio with Bobby, so Junhwe has the room all to himself.

Him and Jinhwan spend so much time in dark corners and enclosed spaces, that he feels guilty about interrupting when they finally have the luxury of an actual bed. Especially when he has his fingers wrapped in Jinhwan’s hair while Jinhwan sucks on his collar bone -- right where he knows it won’t leave a visible mark.

“Hey,” Junhwe breathes, struggling. Jinhwan makes a noncommittal sound which he can feel through his skin and-- _focus_ Junhwe. Focus. “If me and Hanbin Hyung were on a sinking boat, who would you save?”

“You,” Jinhwan answers easily, moving up so his hands are braced next to Junhwe’s head. He gives Junhwe a lopsided grin. “You can’t swim, also Bobby would save Hanbin.”

Junhwe loosens the grip he has around Jinhwan and shifts so he’s almost sitting up. “What if I could swim and Bobby wasn’t there?”

Jinhwan leans back. “What are you talking about?” he asks. Before he can say more he freezes. Junhwe is worried and about to ask if he’s okay when suddenly Jinhwan is scrambling up from the bed. He grabs his shirt from the chair and quickly puts it on, and checks his hair in the mirror, fixing it so it looks less debauched.

“Hyung are you--”

Jinhwan leans over him, doesn’t give him a peck on the cheek, but grabs the bracelet he’d taken off and slips it over his wrist.

“We’ll talk later, okay?” Jinhwan promises, turning the lights off and running out of the room. Junhwe is left befuddled and abandoned, until he hears the front door opening.

When Hanbin and Bobby stumble in, sleepy and clumsy, Junhwe is under his blankets and pretending to be asleep. Bobby climbs into his bed and collapses straight away, but Hanbin makes a detour for Junhwe and punches him on the shoulder.

“I know you’re not asleep brat,” he says it teasingly, but Junhwe doesn’t respond and squeezes his eyes tighter. “Next time you stay up late, I’m bringing you to the studio with us so you do something with your time.”

 

 

“Again,” Hanbin says, skipping to the beginning of the track.

Junhwe’s been held back after practice. Although he’s almost drained of energy, and his muscles feel like they’re going to melt, he doesn’t ask Hanbin to cut him some slack. If anything, Junhwe probably deserves this. He hadn’t even _noticed_ he’d been slow during the choreography. Only figuring out he was a beat delayed because Bobby had ended up tripping on the floor instead of landing on Junhwe’s back as was planned.

The thing about having one of the most significant relationships of your life fall apart and trying to cope, is that it’s _exhausting_. He has to consciously make sure he’s not thinking about it, which just makes him think about it more, so then he has to think about something completely left field like that Fox song that went viral two years ago. Unfortunately if Junhwe does something long enough, it becomes a habit. He knew he wasn't one hundred percent present during tediously long car rides and even more tedious and long conversations with Donghyuk, but he didn't think it'd extend to his performance. Junhwe doesn’t make mistakes often, which is why Hanbin is only being thirty percent ruthless.

Once Hanbin is satisfied, he turns off the mp3 player, and Junhwe falls onto the floor in a heap. He’s pretty sure he’s dead, like yeah his brain might be working, but he feels like a vegetable. A vegetable that’s been run over by a bus. Cool liquid trickles across his face and neck and into his shirt, and he makes a half-hearted attempt to kick Hanbin away.

“Whatever it is, can you make sure you fix it by tomorrow?” Hanbin asks, tipping the entire water bottle onto Junhwe’s face, who’s too tired to do anything but calmly accept it like an offering.

“Today,” Junhwe corrects, panting. “You mean today. It’s like 4am.”

“I mean tomorrow. I’m going to be nice to you until midnight today,” Hanbin says.

Even after Hanbin leaves, Junhwe can’t bring himself to get off the floor. It’s kind of nice here. The wood is cool against his skin, the practice room is uncluttered and silent, and there’s a charm to finally literally living out what he’s already been metaphorically doing anyway.

The door clicks open again and Junhwe groans, pressing the heels of his palm against his eyes. “I’m going, I’m going. I told you to leave without me.”

“Ha. Not a chance.”

Junhwe is embarrassed to admit that he's been hearing that voice in his dreams regularly recently, and he doesn’t know whether to laugh in relief or cry. So instead he pushes himself upright wincing, and drags his feet to where his bag was resting on the bench.

“Are you okay?” Jinhwan asks.

Junhwe stretches his arms above his head, biting his lips at the soreness. “Yeah I’m fine. We’ve been through worse.”

“No, I mean, just. Are you okay in general?”

Junhwe turns around so fast he almost gets whiplash. It’s a bad idea because he’s still tired, and it’s like static just erupted in his brain. He grits through the pain and bites out: “I’m perfectly _fine_. I don’t need you to pity fuck me, okay?”

He still feels a bit light-headed, so he doesn’t see it coming when Jinhwan pushes him, causing the back of his knees to hit the bench.

“I never _pity_ fucked you,” Jinhwan says, glaring up at him.

“Pity make out then, I’m sorry. I said it for effect. Either way I don’t want it and I don’t need it.” He tries to push his way past Jinhwan, but he’s knocked back again and has to place a hand against the wall to keep his balance. "Shit," he says, squinting his eyes, willing some strength to come back to his brain

Jinhwan takes a step back, the fire in his voice extinguishing to make way for worry when he says: “Junhwe, what’s wrong?”

Junwhe still feels a little faint, but his head is becoming less muzzy as long as he doesn’t get too riled up. “I’m fine, just a bit tired.”

Jinhwan reaches up to cradle Junhwe’s head with both hands, his thumbs rubbing small circles onto his forehead that were making Junhwe drowsy. “Did you drink enough water?”

“Yeah,” Junhwe says softly, all the fight seeping out of him. “I just moved too fast.” He berates himself for wanting to bury his head in Jinhwan’s shoulders.

Jinhwan looks up at Junhwe, and he definitely isn’t angry anymore. He’s looking at him with a familiar warmth, except it’s a little different this time. A little bit more desperate. Junhwe knows that objectively, it’s a bad idea, at the very least the timing is _completely_ off. But he’s weary down to his bones, and he needs some kind of solace. He leans forward, wraps his arms around Jinhwan’s waist, and kisses him. Jinhwan responds fluidly, one hand still on Junhwe’s head, the other moving down to snake around his back.

"I'm sorry," Jinhwan says, fingers playing with the hair on Junhwe’s nape. "You aren't a risk." He quickly pecks Junhwe on the lips, possibly to tide him over during what’s looking to be an unnecessarily sentimental speech. "I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t, and still not completely sure about our setup. But I didn't mean _any_ of that stuff about you, even though everything would be a lot easier if I did. I care about you a lot Junhwe, I think about you a lot too. If it isn't obvious."

It’s a testament to how much Jinhwan has affected Junhwe’s emotional maturity that he doesn’t gag and instead keeps on trailing his hands up Jinhwan’s sides. Or maybe it’s a testament to his hormones. Who cares. Kissing Jinhwan is awesome and Junhwe is a moron for doing _anything_ that could take this away from him. He sincerely repents for his crimes. Never again.

“Hey, Hanbin Hyung says Junhwe better be dead or else-- _Oh my God_!”

Kim. Fucking. Dong. Hyuk.

“This isn’t what it looks like,” Jinhwan insists, elbowing Junhwe in the stomach.

“Yeah I was just giving Jinhwan Hyung a tongue massage. Want one?” Junhwe sticks his tongue out at Donghyuk, and Jinhwan groans.

“You- this isn’t something you can do. Don’t we have a dating ban? Wait, is there a loophole in it somewhere? No way, I read the contract over like ten times. I would have noticed.”

At the mention of a dating ban Jinhwan stiffens in Junhwe’s arms, and Junhwe can already feel the guilt complex and self-blame turning. Ready to ruin Junhwe’s life once again.

“Donghyuk you fucking nerd, shut up,” Junhwe says. Jinhwan glares at him, is probably going to talk to him about it later, but at least he doesn’t look like he’s about to turn himself into the police or something.

“ _Excuse me_ ,” Donghyuk says, “Hyung, it doesn’t matter what Junhwe says he has on you. You don’t need to do this.”

"You wouldn't be saying that if you knew what I had on _you_ \--"

"Okay, stop." Jinhwan lifts one hand up in the air, the other massaging his temples. "Junhwe doesn't have anything on me but right now you do Donghyuk so..." He lets out a long exhale. "Don't... tell anyone?"

Junhwe furrows his eyebrows and bends down to get a closer look at Jinhwan's face. "Huh?" he says. Jinhwan pushes him away by the cheek.

"Please, I know you probably should, I wouldn't blame you if you did. But just, please don't tell anybody."

From Donghyuk's face, Junhwe can't imagine the internal battle that must be going through his head. It’s not like Donghyuk is inherently a snitch, but he definitely has a loyalty and hero worship thing going on with Hanbin (Junhwe doesn’t completely understand) and Bobby (Junhwe has no clue). In the end however, Donghyuk’s empathy, good consciousness, and general affection for Jinhwan (and possible minimal affection for Junhwe) seem to win out, and he let's out a strangled " _Fine._ ”

If Jinhwan is relieved he doesn’t show it. Instead he smiles thankfully. "Thanks Donghyuk. We'll be out in a minute."

"Okay," Donghyuk nods. He moves to leave before pausing, and quickly turns back to add: "Oh and don't worry. I especially won't tell Hanbin Hyung."

Jinhwan's voice is significantly smaller when he strains another smile and says "Thanks."

Well, that’s two steps forward, and about fifty steps back for Junhwe.

When Jinhwan turns his attention back to him, Junhwe is prepared. He has an entire speech ready starting with “Fuck fucking Donghyuk”, and ending with “No seriously, fuck Donghyuk.” Jinhwan looks almost as dog-tired as Junhwe though, so he decides to put off his well thought out disquisition for the time being.

“We can talk about this later,’ Jinhwan says. Oddly, even though Junhwe hates _talking_ about important things, he feels a little disappointed. Jinhwan takes notice, and captures Junhwe’s hand in his own, intertwining their fingers together. “Come on, go change into some clean clothes.”

 

 

They don’t talk about it later. Well they do, but they might as well not have. It’s like Jinhwan just pressed the ‘reset’ button and they were back to Stage 1. Sure if Junhwe was being optimistic he could see it as a fresh start, but if he was being honest then it was more like negative progress. If Junhwe realises this, then Jinhwan definitely has. But it’s almost as if Jinhwan was biding his time until something else.

It isn’t as if Junhwe is upset or anything. After all, no condition in which he has the privilege of kissing and touching Jinhwan could make him upset. Except for the last time he had that privilege. That had definitely lead to a fair amount of dejection.

Junhwe never learns.

To make matters more frustrating, Donghyuk had somehow found out that Yunhyeong was also in on the situation, and Junhwe _knows_ they discuss it on a regular basis. Jinhwan knows too, but he’s a lot more disregarding of it and says that as long as neither of them tell anyone else, he’s happy that they’re getting closer. Which, great. Awesome. Junhwe is so glad he and his personal woes could be of service. He will admit though, it’s pretty nice that Jinhwan doesn’t shy away or hesitate to kiss Junhwe on the cheek whenever it’s just Donghyuk or Yunhyeong with them. That’s more than enough reason for Junhwe to want to keep them both around.

Whatever Jinhwan was waiting for, he seems to have found it by the time him and Junhwe have comfortably eased into their old pattern of hiding, kissing, and then frantically looking around to make sure no one had stumbled across them. Jinhwan enters his room one evening, and Junhwe gets up from his bed to usher him out because Bobby and Hanbin were right in the living room.

Jinhwan waves him off and makes Junhwe sit back down again. “I just want to talk,” Jinhwan says, taking a seat on the swivel chair.

Junhwe scoots to the edge of the bed, bends forward so his elbows were resting on his bare knees. “About?”

“You were upset at me because you think I’m more concerned about Hanbin’s feeling than yours, right?”

“No,” Junhwe retorts. Until it sinks in that yes, that’s _exactly_ how he feels, and it’s just strange to hear it out loud, no frills attached, and from Jinhwan of all people. “Wait, I mean. Yes. Not just that, although that was definitely the root of many problems.”

Jinhwan nods. “Yeah, I thought so.”

“So… do you?”

Jinhwan smiles, and it’s bittersweet. “No, or at least I wouldn’t put it like that. Though I was definitely a lot more concerned about unsettling Hanbin than I was about the dating ban, or anyone else finding out.”

Junhwe snorts. “Yeah, I figured.”

“It’s just that, things unnerve him easily. He can deal with new members, abrupt changes in the set list, making choreography, and all that. He’s a little less adept in regards to,” Jinhwan raps a fist against his chest, “emotional pressure.”

Junhwe nods. “He’s fucking terrible. So… I mean, are you going to do anything about it?”

Jinhwan shrugs. “I don't know yet. I don’t know what there _is_ to do. I just wanted to let you know that whatever reservations I have about this relationship, and keeping it a secret, it’s separate from how I feel about you specifically. I would be acting the same way, probably worse, if you were Bobby. Not that I would ever want to go out with Bobby,” he adds at Junhwe’s -- it’s not a _pout_ \-- face of displeasure.

Jinhwan’s recent track record with Junhwe hasn’t shown it, but in general, he knows the right thing to say. Junhwe isn’t jumping over the moon or anything, but he feels properly mollified. Hopeful like he hasn’t been since the first time Jinhwan kissed him. “Okay,” he says.

Jinhwan grins at him. “Great.” He gets up from the chair and stands in front of Junhwe, leaning down to gift him a kiss. There’s no tongue, just a simple press of lips, but it feels meaningful.

“ _Whoa_! Come on, is that the best you’ve got?” There’s applause, and Junhwe pushes Jinhwan away quickly, and why does he _never_ lock that door.

Hanbin and Bobby stand in the doorway, a masked and overly amused expression on their faces respectively. Bobby was still applauding, bowing his head in a show of respect. “I doubted you Junhwe, but you’ve done what me, a simple man, could not. Get Jinhwan to mack me on a day that wasn’t my birthday.”

“Bobby,” Jinhwan says warningly.

“Okay, I’m sorry. Seriously though, this is _so_ interesting. Junhwe how did you endure intimate human contact for more than ten seconds for all,” Bobby waves his hands around gesturing at who knows what “this to come to fruition.”

“That’s a fair question,” Hanbin adds. The first thing he’s said this entire conversation.

Usually Junhwe would have a quick quip on his tongue, but he’s occupied with watching Jinhwan’s reaction. Junhwe didn’t know what he expected if it ever actually came down to this, but he knows that thinking about any possible course of action Jinhwan might take made his stomach clench. But Jinhwan seems… passive almost. He had looked insurmountably guilty when he first noticed Hanbin and Bobby in the room, but after a few seconds it was like he finally understood something, and from then on he just seemed very mildly irritated. In fact he hardly spares Hanbin a glance, even though Junhwe would have thought the first things out of Jinhwan’s mouth would be an attempt to placate him.

“I’m going to bed,” Jinhwan says, clasping Junhwe’s shoulder and squeezing. “Don’t tell them anything, no matter what they try and do to you.”

“Hey! That’s unfair, I want to know the secret to Junhwe’s heart too!” Bobby protests. Jinhwan ignores him, flicking him on the forehead and strolling out of the room.

When Bobby goes to the bathroom to freshen up -- all of his attempts to harass a reaction out of Junhwe failing miserably -- Junhwe turns to face Hanbin who was seated at the desk, clicking through potential lyrics on his laptop.

“Are you angry at us?” Junhwe asks.

Hanbin blinks, takes a second to think about it, before replying. “No. Not really. I mean, as long as it doesn’t ruin your ability to perform and listen to me unquestioningly.”

Junhwe raises an eyebrow. “Really? Because you didn’t say a word when you walked in on us earlier.”

Hanbin folds his legs up on the seat. “Yeah, but, what was I meant to say? I was just taken aback. What, did you expect me to throw a fit or something?”

“I didn’t. Jinhwan Hyung did.”

Hanbin looks genuinely surprised, uncrossing his legs and moving the chair closer to Junhwe’s bed. “What? Why?”

“I don’t know. Probably because you close everybody out and immediately evacuate the premise every time you’re under emotional stress,” Junhwe says pointedly. Hanbin smiles sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck.

“Okay, I won’t lie. When I first found out I did run away to some random park to come to terms with it. But ultimately it wasn’t really a big deal. I’m fine with--”

“Wait wait wait, _back up_. _What_ did you say?” Junhwe is up on all fours now, jaw hanging open unattractively.

Hanbin looks at Junhwe, uncertain. Until he finally registers what he just said, and proceeds to open and close his mouth in some silent deliberation. “I may have… already known. Which is why I wasn’t surprised when I walked in on you two tonight. I mean, I never expected to actually _see_ it but--”

“You _knew_ ,” Junhwe squeaks. “Why didn’t you tell us!”

Hanbin looks affronted. “Why didn’t you guys tell _me_? I just figured Jinhwan Hyung didn’t want anyone to know, so I kept it to myself.”

“Wait, _when_ did you find out? How did you find out?” Jinhwan had been nothing if not vigilant in making sure Hanbin didn’t get a trace of what was really going on, until the slip up tonight. Which, in hindsight, was almost _too_ careless compared to Jinhwan’s usual mindfulness.

“Uh…” Hanbin hesitates. “Chanwoo caught you guys acting weird in the practice room once, and he just told me he _thought_ you two might have something going on. I brushed it off at first, but once you actually know to look for it, Jinhwan was being really obvious that he was trying to _not_ be obvious. Plus, I've known for a while that he likes you…” Hanbin shrugs.

Fucking Chanwoo. _Why_ was he added into the group, except for the soul purpose of becoming Hanbin’s minion and invalidating everything Junhwe had been through in the last few months. He remembers Chanwoo walking in on them, it happened fairly early on. Which means Hanbin has known for more than half the time Junhwe and Jinhwan had been trying to keep it a secret. All the angst, all the regret and misery. It had all been for _nothing_. Junhwe lets a string of curse words leave his mouth.

“Dude are you okay? Do I need to call a doctor?”

“Do you _know_ how much anguish you put me through? Anguish that could have been easily avoided if you had just _told_ Jinhwan the way you tell him virtually everything else.” Junhwe pulls his pillow over his ears, wanting this nightmare to be over.

“Hey! I wanted to respect Hyung’s privacy!” Junhwe snorts and continues to swear under his breath. “Look, I’ll make it up to you.”

“Unless you’re buying me Michael Jackson’s entire discography, I’m not interested.”

Hanbin leans back onto the chair smugly, folding his arms behind his head. “I know how your terrible brain works. You’ll definitely be interested.”

 

 

“Hey Chanwoo, can you buy me some sashimi? From that nice restaurant we went to in the afternoon.” Junhwe is sprawled idly on his hotel bed, an assortment of snacks spread out on the mattress, his iPad resting on his chest, and Chanwoo’s brand new headphones hanging around his neck.

Chanwoo groans. “Hyung _please_. It’s almost midnight, it’s freezing outside, and that restuarant is a fifteen minute walk away.”

“But I’m hungry! My cravings are very specific.”

Chanwoo gestures to the many empty takeaway boxes and plastic packaging next to Junhwe’s feet. “I bought all of that for you. How are you still hungry? How can you still move?”

“I’m tall okay, I have a really fast metabolism. Also I can’t move, which is why I’m asking you to buy it for me.” Junhwe slides down further along the bed, spreading his legs apart in an even lazier position.

“No,” Chanwoo says firmly. “You can’t do this. I’m being manipulated.”

Junhwe puts his iPad down next to him. He closes his eyes, breathing in through his nose, before turning to Chanwoo apologetically. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I never meant to do that. I’ll just find another way to distract myself from the hunger.”

Junhwe swings himself off his bed, jumping onto Jinhwan’s adjacent one. Jinhwan lets out a long sigh of resignation, but lets Junhwe climb on top of him and press him down onto the mattress.

“Okay! Okay I’m going! Can you two stop doing that? I’m sorry!” Chanwoo grabs his wallet and stumbles out the door, slamming it shut harder than necessary.

Jinhwan pulls one leg up to his stomach, and uses his feet to push Junhwe away by the chest. “Hey!” Junhwe says.

“This is going to stop after this, alright?” Jinhwan says. “We’re beyond hazing now.”

“You definitely weren’t complaining when you made him get you that USB cable.”

"Only because you were making him run to that department store anyway!"

Junhwe grumbles, laying down so his head was resting underneath Jinhwan's chin.

"I'm actually rather impressed. I thought you hated PDA?"

Junhwe does, in fact, hate PDA. But this opportunity was too good to pass up. He had legitimately cackled when Hanbin handed the hotel keycard to him, Jinhwan and Chanwoo both sharing a nervous glance behind him. He may also be making up for lost time now that he has the blessing to kiss Jinhwan whenever he wants. Well, almost whenever. Only in front of the other members really, but he’s not cruel, he doesn’t want to scar anybody else.

He’s shaken out of his thoughts by Jinhwan suddenly flipping them over, and the feeling of Jinhwan’s lips on his own. Junhwe makes a small sound of surprise, but opens his mouth to let Jinhwan take the reigns. It’s heavy, but Jinhwan fingers were brushing the side of his head gently, and it feels careful.

When Jinhwan pulls back he’s panting heavily, mouth shining, and Junhwe probably looks like a doped up idiot. “What was that for?” he breathes out, heart pounding in his chest.

“I really _really_ like you,” Jinhwan says easily, softly closing Junhwe’s mouth shut with his thumb. “A lot.”


End file.
